1. I am freaking growing up. I am not ready for this.
2. I have been on a nostalgic trip for months now.
3. I am trying to keep my mood from cycling, and forcing myself not to hide inside.
4. I turn 30 in 9 months.
5. Holy crap, I am getting married.
I have been dealing with a lot of crap with, lets just say my job, *cough DOE cough* and my anxiety seems to be getting the best of me lately. I am really trying not to act like a hermit, but I am favoring solitude at the moment. I have crazy nightmares about anything and everything in general, including one where my bike was stolen prior to Silverman. AND my mind feels shattered, as in I can't keep anything straight. Why can't my thoughts just be streamlined?! I do realize that this is part of my disease, but I can't help but have some woe is me moments. I really try to avoid those, but I have been a total sap lately.
This morning I literally stood in front of the mirror and talked myself up so I had the will to drag myself to work. Lately, this is a constant struggle which is probably related to the fact that I have no idea what I am going to do when my contract is up. I am pretty certain we will have funding for a third year for me, but the fact that I can't control anything is killing me. Finally, to top things off I have become increasingly paranoid about things and what people think of me.
So basically, I have let myself become trapped in my mind. Its always part of the bipolar cycle.
BUT - as always, there is a bright side.
1. I am getting married!
2. I hear your 30s are awesome
3. I have a lot of great friends and wonderful memories.
4. I have always, always been the one in control of my mind and I have always been able to fight my illness.
5. I am getting married!!!
Its one foot in front of the other and I keep trudging along. So as much as I think I am not ready for this next phase of my life, I will embrace it and look forward to all the great things to come.
BONUS - meet our newest family member: Jackson (black bunny)
Thank you Lani for sharing this! I too have been struggling with anxiety issues and have been having many of the same thoughts as you. You give me comfort that I'm not alone in what seems like an up hill battle. I think S-Team needs to communicate more...We are all struggling with the upcoming glorious 30th birthday and growing up in general. Thank you for having the courage to share your struggle. I love you! I cannot wait to see you very soon. You are amazing. XOXOXO Tiffany P.S. Don't you wish we were back at UNLV swimming our little hearts out? ;)
ReplyDeleteThat is why I write these! I hope it helps some people! Yes we need to be in touch more. I miss our time at UNLV so much!
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